Of all the institutions I have dealt with in my long and exceptionally gifted career, quite possibly the most misguided is Church Health Center Wellness.
The CHCW came to my attention like so many others do, with an anonymous e-mail tip reporting of questionably compassionate behavior and chronic do-goodery – so I launched a routine surveillance with wiretaps, thermal scanners, and some x-ray goggles I ordered out of the back of a magazine.
I knew something was amiss when I heard the words “not-for-profit” and “medical care” in the same sentence, co-joined like a two-headed dragon of financial ruin.
And when I discovered their tinkering with non-FDA approved treatments like “prevention” and “exercise,” I knew it was time to strike.
If ever an intervention was called for – quite loudly and in angry tones – it is at Church Health Center Wellness.
And answer the call, I shall. Not just once, but three times.
That’s right; I have devised a therapy for these hope-mongers that is so potent, and frankly alarming, that I must separate it into three doses for fear of burning out the internet and plunging the world into chaos.
If you miss these sessions, your life will grow so drab and meaningless that when you finally do return to therapy I will charge you double .
Unless of course I am already charging you double, in which case you’ll eligible for my new triple-dip pricing program.