From the moment you first wake up from your eternal rest, feeling reanimated and ready to feed, one thing becomes immediately clear: you’re not like everybody else. Not anymore.
For years the accepted wisdom was that “once a zombie always a zombie,” but now thanks to advances in the mental arts and the skill of one extremely gifted practitioner, hope of a normal life can again be yours.
Presenting the latest breakthrough by Doctor Harold Toboggans:
Zombies Anonymous -The Twelve Steps to Undead Rehabilitation
Step 1. Admit you have no power over your ceaseless craving for human flesh. -Try not to fixate on it, it’ll only make you hungry.
Step 2. Realize that if you are ever to be more than a mindless munching machine you’ll need the help of a power outside yourself, yet still fairly close by. Fortunately I have offices downtown, midtown, and all over the county.
Step 3.Turn over all remnants of your former life to the care of your rehabilitation professional. Cash, credit cards, and jewelry are especially disruptive to proper treatment and should be purged as soon as possible.
Step 4. Conduct a searching post-mortal inventory. -Note any missing limbs or appendages. See what you’re working with.
Step 5. Admit to me and your companions the depth of your decomposition. -Don’t worry about your reduced vocabulary; I am fluent in moans, groans, and charades.
Step 6. Stand ready to have your character defects and financial surpluses removed by the proper application of psychiatric brilliance.
Step 7. Humbly ask for the assistance of your mental healthcare professional. -Don’t forget to say please.
Step 8. Make a list of all individuals you have consumed. -Use as many reams of paper as necessary.
Step 9. Make restitution to everyone you have harmed. -You may have to induce vomiting.
Step 10. Search you clothing and general vicinity for any unreturned body parts. -Not only to make amends but also to cut down on between meal snacking.
Step 11. Keep in constant contact with your therapist by signing up for all of my services: the technical support hotline, the two-year extended warrantee, the lifetime subscription to Toboggans Illustrated, etc.
Step 12. Spread the message of hope -Recommend my services to all your wealthy undead friends.
Not just a Program – Hope
More than just a program, Zombies Anonymous is a total post-mortal support system, complete with caring sponsors, affordable meetings, and a friendly staff of former reality television personalities to feed upon in case of relapse.
At Zombies Anonymous we are proud to help you build a new unlife from the decaying remains of your last.
Zombies Anonymous – Hope for the living impaired.